


poly wanna pineapple?

by and_the_one_we_live_in_now



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: But I Think That's Valid Ngl, Canon Asexual Character, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, During Canon, Elias Is Gay And Homophobic, F/M, I Don't Know How To End This So It Just Kind Of . . . Ends, Jonbinary, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Other, Outing, Polyamory, Specifically Like A Month Before The End Of Season One, Spoilers For Episode: e022 Colony, Welcome To The Institute Polycule, being outed, ethical non-monogamy, everyone is poly, quoiromantic, relationship anarchy, the magnus archives is a workplace comedy, workplace discrimination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25296613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/and_the_one_we_live_in_now/pseuds/and_the_one_we_live_in_now
Summary: Jon just wants to finish his Sudoku puzzle in peace, but Tim starts talking about the Archives polycule a little too loudly, and the assistants find themselves discussing damage control, as well as Martin's new crush. includes jokes about sex and pineapples!(aka I started to write a fun little snippet of dialogue, and it turned into a conversation about being outed, ethical non-monogamy, and Jon and Martin's s1 dynamic? and I'm really not mad about it!)
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Sasha James, Martin Blackwood & Sasha James & Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood/Tim Stoker/Sasha James, Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Comments: 24
Kudos: 219





	poly wanna pineapple?

**Author's Note:**

> CW for being outed, workplace discrimination, references to emotional abuse, and references to sex!
> 
> also, a recommended soundtrack to this piece? "Buildings And Bridges" by Ani DiFranco!
> 
> last but not least, I'm mean to Jon in this one but he's my favoriteist; I love this good good lad. he gets so much better <3
> 
> update: GOSH I’m used to writing for itty-bitty fandoms; it’s less than a day later and this already has comments and stuff! I probably won’t reply to most of them, but I appreciate them all; thank you so much!! ^u^
> 
> update number two: so many thanks to anyone who donated to my friend's upcoming top surgery; he was able to raise enough to cover the rest of the surgery fees! <3

“Eh, it’s alright?”

“And you, Sash?”

“It’s a great combo, if you ask m--”

“YES!” Tim brought a hand down hard on the break room table, earning a glare from Jon, who _really_ just wanted to finish his Sudoku puzzle in peace. Tim, still awash in the euphoria of his victory, didn’t notice. “This just in -- three out of three archival assistants agree that pineapple on pizza is valid!”

“Plus,” he added, leaning back in his chair, “it makes your cum taste good. So there’s that.”

Martin bit back a laugh as Sasha rolled her eyes affectionately. “I thought that was just a myth,” she said. “Does it really?”

“I think so?” Tim answered, scratching his head. “Martin, do you eat a lot of pineapple?”

“Er, I guess so? Probably yeah?”

“Alright! I say it’s real then!”

“Yeah, but how big’s your data set on that?” Sasha retorted, smiling.

“For Martin or in general?”

“Either o--”

Sasha was cut off by a round of coughing from the other side of the table, and the three assistants turned to see a wide-eyed Jon struggling valiantly to keep the rest of his tea _inside_ his mouth.

 _“Shit,_ fuck, did you-- are-- are you okay?” Tim asked as Jon continued to cough.

“Yes, I-- I’m, I’m fine,” Jon sputtered, studiously avoiding eye contact. “I just-- swallowed wrong, I . . . I’ll be fine. I should, I should really be getting back to work.” Hastily gathering his things, Jon rose from the table and, with a curt nod to the assistants and another stifled cough, hurried out the break room door.

A beat of silence, then:

 _“Timmmmmm!!!”_

“Fuck, Martin, I’m so sorry, I--”

“--what the _hell_ was that for, he was _right there,_ he--”

“--I totally forgot he was there, I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have said it--”

“--he’s our _boss_ and I’m not _out_ and what if he--”

“--I fucked up, I’m sorry, I’m _so_ sorry--”

 _“--ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”_ Martin slumped onto the table, face buried in his arms. “You’re _fine,”_ he continued, voice muffled, as Sasha began to rub his shoulder sympathetically. “I just . . . I’m not out to him, or to-- to _Elias_ and I know it’s probably fine but I just really need this job and _ughhhh,”_ he groaned again, lifting his head to blink wearily at Tim and Sasha. “It’s just-- not how I’d hoped that convo was gonna happen, y’know?”

Tim nodded solemnly, running his hands through his hair. “You’re right, I shouldn’t have said anything while he was around; you have every right to be pissed.”

Sasha squeezed Martin’s shoulder, then frowned. “Wait, out as gay or poly?”

“Poly,” Tim replied, and Martin nodded. “Everyone knows he’s gay; Elias is cool with it. And with me. _And_ you and Rosie and everyone else. And it’d be illegal to do anything about the gay thing, though it’s not like that’s ever stopped anyone.”

“Gotcha. But the poly thing is still an issue,” Sasha said, more as a statement than a question.

 _“Buuuuut_ the poly thing is still an issue,” Martin affirmed, letting out another sigh.

Sasha nodded. “Although -- did anything we said actually out you as poly? I think it might’ve come across as more of, like, a hookup thing?”

“Yeah, true,” Martin admitted, sitting up straighter. “And I mean, in Tim and I’s case, that’s mostly what it is, yeah? And it’s not like I’ve got other partners at the moment, and you don’t talk about your partners at work, so . . . so if anything, _Tim’s_ the one who’s just got outed as ethically non-monogamous.”

“Huh. Yeah, I guess so,” Tim said, glancing down at the table, where he was fiddling with his phone. “I mean, I’d don’t know that anybody would really . . . _get it_ enough to make a stink about it? Everyone knows I sleep around, and I don’t, like . . . I don’t go around saying like, _‘ah yes, a wonderful Wednesday afternoon in the break room with my girlfriend Sasha and my boyfriend Martin, hurrah,’_ so as long as I don’t start throwing out _Big Scary Words_ like ‘relationship anarchy,’ I’m hoping it won’t get around to Elias or anybody who could fire me for it?”

“D’you think he would? Fire you for it?” Martin asked.

Sasha laughed. “Most bosses might, but I feel like Elias . . . I feel like if Elias knew, he’d hire you for it _just_ so he could hold it over you. He’s that flavor of prick. He’s gay _and_ homophobic.”

At this Tim and Martin laughed as well, and after shooting a few quick glances around the room to ensure that Elias could not, in fact, see them, the trio shared a comforting smile.

“To be honest,” Tim mused, “I think the biggest thing we have to worry about at the moment is just Boss Man Sims being more condescending than usual. He seems like an aggressively hetero kind of guy.”

“I think he’s ace?”

 _“Really?”_ Tim and Martin turned in unison to face Sasha. “You're serious?” Tim added, mouth agape.

“I’m like, 90% sure? You guys know the other week, when Rosie was handing out pins and things for the start of Pride month? I saw him pick up an ace sticker, and when I went into his office Friday, he had it stuck on one of his cabinets. And he spent a lot of time looking through the gender flags.”

 _“Wowwwww,”_ Tim grinned, lacing his hands behind his head. “Boss Man Sims, a fellow queer! Good for him! I never would have guessed!”

Martin rolled his eyes. “It just goes to show we shouldn’t make assumptions, Tim. You of all people should know that this stuff is . . . is _complex_ and, and _personal.”_

“Yeah, yeah, I know, you’re right. Besides, it was ridiculous of me to think Elias would ever hire someone who’s not queer. Hell, every new employee should get a cake saying ‘Welcome to the Institute Polycule!’”

Sasha laughed. “You mean, ‘Welcome to Tim’s Hopeless Flirting Extravaganza!’ The rest of us have managed to keep our pants on and our feelings off a much greater percentage of the time; right, Martin?”

Martin blushed.

“Martinnnnn . . . ?” Tim leaned over the table, grin levels rapidly escalating. “Have you been taking your pants off more than I’m aware of? Or does someone have a _workplace crush?”_

“Oh _shut uppp,”_ Martin moaned, running a hand over his face, which was now torn between a smile and a grimace. “It’s a-- you guys have to promise you’re not gonna tease me about it. Otherwise I’ll let you suffer in eternal ignorance.”

“I promise--” said Sasha.

“--for the next, uh, four whole hours!” added Tim, checking the time. “And I won’t even message you about it until the start of work tomorrow. That’s almost a full day of no Tim teasing!”

“Fine,” Martin laughed, then gazed intently into his mug. “ . . . izjon.”

“What?”

“It’s--” Martin glanced towards the door again. “--it’s Jon; I have a crush on Jon. Kinda. Yeah. It’s. . . .”

A long pause followed, eventually broken by Tim:

“. . . but he’s a GIANT ASSHAT! Towards, like, _you specifically!”_

“I _know,_ but like--”

“--the way he treats you _really_ isn’t great, Martin--”

“--yeah, Sasha, I’m aware, it’s just--”

_“--hurr durr, my name is Jon Sims, what’s an emotion--”_

“--guys, I KNOW! I’m not planning to _elope_ or anything, it’s just . . . he’s . . . _interesting._ Y’know?” Martin smiled to himself, idly stirring his tea. “Like . . . when you meet someone, and you’re like, ‘wow, they’re kind of a dick,’ but they’re cute, and obviously complicated, and you just kinda wanna . . . learn more about them, find out what makes them tick, yeah? He can’t be a dick _all_ the way down, so what’re the other layers?”

“. . . incompetence, bad fashion sense, an inflated sense of self-importance, et cetera--”

“--I don’t know Martin, I think _Tim_ might be a dick all the way down, so--”

“--hey! I have other layers!”

“Yeah, like what?”

“Incompetence, bad fashion sense, an inflated sense of self-importance, et cetera. . . .”

The three assistants broke into giggles, and Martin took another sip of his tea, shifting in his seat. “And also, he’s been a lot better since the whole thing with Jane Prentiss at my flat? Now that I’m living in the archives, we see each other more, and it’s . . . nice. _He’s_ nice. He’s actually kinda awkward around me; I don’t think he knows how to respond to another person being around all the time.”

“Okay, that actually does sound kinda cute,” Sasha admitted, poking Martin in the arm. “The two of you trying to out-awkward each other in the hallways at obscene hours of the night. . . .”

“Pfff, he’s got another thing coming if he thinks he can contend with Martin for the title of Archives’ Most Adorkable. Nobody can beat you there, king!”

Martin shook his head, grinning. Sasha poked him in the arm again, leaning forward to meet Martin’s eyes. “Do be careful though, yeah? He’s got no right to treat you badly, no matter how many layers he’s got, and you can’t ‘fix’ him. If he’s gonna keep getting better, it’s gotta come from inside him. And if he gets worse again, I can talk with him or something, make sure he’s not giving you trouble. And if that doesn’t work I can sic Tim on him.”

Tim raised an eyebrow and both of his fists, and Martin laughed, then turned back to Sasha. “Yeah . . . yeah, you’re right. I’ll let you know if he starts getting mean again. Thanks guys.”

Sasha smiled. “Anytime. And I _do_ hope he keeps getting better. I wanna witness these grand contests of awkwardness of which you speak.”

“I know I said that Martin would totally win, but actually Jon’s got new material to be awkward about, now that he knows about some of Martin’s” -- Tim wiggled his eyebrows and dropped his voice an octave -- _“sexual conquests?”_

“I swear to GOD Tim; don’t remind me!!” Martin cried as Sasha fought against a tsunami of giggles. “You and your _stupid_ pineapples!”

[*cue adorable cinematic zoom-out, revealing the rest of the break room as the assistants continue to happily banter and stuff*]

[*end statement*]


End file.
